The Truth

Lately I have found myself falling into darkness. This darkness is where I compare myself and my parenting methods to other mothers who seem to have it all together. Yes, I know they probably don't actually have it all together (who really does anyway?), and I know they may have similar struggles (and maybe some struggles I can't even fathom). Yet here I am. In the dark. Questioning everything I am doing, which usually leads to thinking I am doing everything wrong, which causes me to compare even more in a quest to find the "best" method and to be the "best" mom I can be. I continue down this spiral. This is the worst place for a mom to be because it robs her from seeing the wonderful mother she truly is, and it prevents her from seeing her wonderful children for who they really are. 

Today, to break this spiral and find some of my confidence, I decided to fully look at my children, putting all parenting methods, ideas, and perceptions completely aside. 

Happy, peacefully sleeping, calm, growing, healthy infant. I must be doing something right! Look at that peaceful face!

 Very happy, smiley, healthy, loving, active, polite, confident, independent big boy. I must be doing something right! Look at the happiness in those eyes!

It is easy to see that I am doing things just fine when I step back and REALLY look at these kids.  Happy, healthy, growing, loving boys. This is all that truly matters. There it is. The light. The truth.

"My Friend Mommy"

Meet Bryce.

Bryce turned 3 in December. 

He knows what Mommy calls him: sweetheart, baby, and Bryce-a-roo (I'm sure he'll love that one when he's older), but right now he is trying to define who HE thinks Bryce is.

Some days he is a pirate.

Some days he is an airplane.

Some days he is "Doctor Bryce".

 Some days he is a baker.

Some days he is a photographer. 

Some days he is a musician.

He changes it up each day, but he does stay consistent with at least two definitions of himself.

Every day he is "Big Brother Bryce". (this is now how he introduces himself to people)

It is obvious he loves his little brother!

And, my favorite, he is Mommy's big boy! 

This photo taken by Andrea Flanagan Photography

In trying to make sense of the world around him, Bryce is trying to define not only himself, but also his relationships and the people in his life. So, what does he think of Mommy considering he spends most of his waking time with her?  I sometimes worry that he thinks of me in the same way I think of myself: mean mommy, scattered, incapable, terrible mother, an "I-can't-handle-this" type of person (as well as many other negative self assessments). 

Who does Bryce actually say Mommy is? "Friend". That's right. I am now being introduced to others as "My Friend Mommy." 

Of course I have heard, "Don't be your child's 'friend'. You are a parent, not a friend." Although he does get "mean mommy" and the discipline he definitely doesn't enjoy, in his little world I am his friend. I play with him everyday, talk with him, eat with him, share with him, spend time with him and laugh A LOT with him. We have fun together. I am not only his Mommy right now, but his friend! 

He once said to me, "Mommy, someday you will be a princess, but you are just Mommy right now."

His view of me and our mother/son relationship will probably change drastically as he grows up and discovers more about the world and more about who he really is.

There will come a day when he will have a handful of other things he will want to call me, and I'm sure none of those things will be "friend" (although he probably won't view me as a princess either). Until that day, I am so happy to be called "My Friend Mommy" and I will fully enjoy this definition and this phase in our mother/son relationship.

Embracing being seen as these two boys' "friend"!

Embracing Motherhood One Photo at a Time

I wanted to start a photo focused blog this new year as a way to force myself to take photos each day, to learn more about photography, to do something for myself, and to gain a little insight or perspective while embracing the everyday tasks of motherhood.

It is now the end of March.

Then, the other day I found myself in the middle of my "newborn Mommy breaking point" (as another mom friend calls it). This is that phase after the "Look-at-me-doing-SOO-well-despite-the-sleep-deprivation/colic/baby-gassiness!-Wow-I've-got-this-Mommy-thing-down" phase. This is the phase where any newborn Mommy bliss seems to almost completely disappear. Now Mommy just feels exhaustion, inability to get anything done with baby on Mommy all the time, toddler wanting more attention than Mommy physically or mentally has, and a house that keeps getting messier and messier (yet still standing...not burnt down...which is truly all Mommy can seem to manage at this point). This was me hitting the wall.

So, what did I do in that emotional place?

I took photos. I took photos of the mess. Didn't clean the mess. Didn't pick up 6 week old who was crying somewhere in the middle of the mess. Didn't answer toddler who was saying whining screaming, "mommmmmyyyy" over and over again while actively contributing to the mess. Instead, I took photos.

                                                ONE of the many piles around the house. I decided
                                                                to spare myself any photo memories of the kitchen.


I don't know why I took photos of the mess. I even tried to attach the perspective that someday I'll miss this. Someday when the kids are grown, I'll miss the house being this messy, and long for that time in my life again. (I refuse to think any more into that idea now). Did I feel better? Not at all. It is a good perspective, but, as with most of those feel good perspectives, it just didn't seem to help in the middle of the mess.

I was quickly reminded of one reason I thought to start this blog in the first place; a tool used to step back, do something for myself, and MAYBE gain some insight or perspective in my life as a stay-at-home-mom. Although I can't say I gained any real perspective through the photos that day, I can say that taking them forced me to step back, take a deep breath, live in the present, and laugh at myself a little.

Then, I put down my phone (didn't even have the energy to grab the nice camera for this moment), cuddled my baby, talked sweetly to his big brother, and moved on with my day. One. Step. At. A. Time.